Happy TEDx Tuesday!
A few weeks ago I confessed that I thought I was supposed to save the world. Turns out, that was only half the confession.
I didn't just want to save the world. I wanted to save everyone in it.
Help people heal.
Wake people up.
Show them another way, whether they asked me to or not.
In my defense, I'm the oldest of four, so this could just be oldest-child syndrome. ;)
But it always came from love. Or at least, that's what I thought.
I've been wondering what's underneath this desire to "save" someone. Because in order to be a savior, you have to believe someone else needs saving.
Or fixing. Or changing.
Which means we've already decided there's something wrong with them. Something they need to fix. Something they need to become.
Oof.
But then I started looking at the other side of it.
Why did I need to be the savior?
Somewhere along the way, I think I confused being needed with being loved.
If I could help enough, fix enough, give enough, make enough people feel better, I would matter.
And then I realized: this wasn't just about how I saw everyone else. It was about how I saw myself.
That's when this whole idea of saving people came full circle.
Did I think I needed saving too?
Did I need someone else to make me feel worthy? Safe? Enough? Loved?
Or could I learn to give those things to myself?
I think that's what self-love really means. Not believing we're perfect, but loving ourselves knowing we're not.
And allowing other people to be imperfect too.
Because if I don't need to be perfect to be worthy of love, neither do you.
We don't need to be saved. But we do need to be witnessed.
We need to be seen. Heard. Supported. Held.
We need people who will sit beside us in the mess without immediately trying to clean it up.
People who can love us while we're figuring it out. People who can offer a hand without assuming we're broken.
That's not saving. That's connection.
When I had stage IV cancer, I needed a LOT of help.
I needed my doctors to treat me. I needed my husband. My family. My friends.
I needed people to sit with me, laugh with me, cry with me, listen to me, and remind me who I was when I forgot.
But I didn't need them to fix me. I was still me.
Scared. Imperfect. Sometimes angry. Sometimes hopeful. Sometimes all of it at the same time.
And somewhere in that experience, I was learning some of the most valuable lessons of my life: how to love myself, how to feel gratitude for every day, and how to trust that life could be working out even when it looked nothing like I wanted it to.
I needed people to support me through it, not take the experience away from me. Just be there while I found my way through.
And I think that's what I've been misunderstanding.
Love isn't about standing above someone and pulling them toward where we think they should be.
It's standing beside them. Witnessing them. Supporting them.
Helping when help is wanted or needed.
Having boundaries when boundaries are needed.
Trusting that we don't always know what someone else's life is asking of them.
We are here for one another.
To share, grow, learn, heal, and evolve together.
To offer a hand when someone needs one, and to ask for one when we do.
We need each other.
We just don't need to fix each other in order to love each other.
I can love myself without needing to save you.
And I can love you without needing you to save me.
We can simply walk beside one another. Imperfect human beings witnessing imperfect human beings.
No cape required. ;)
Question of the Week:
Where could you replace fixing with witnessing?
Love,
Jenn